How parents and stepparents relate to one another and how stepparents relate to their stepchildren is what makes or breaks marriages.

Stepparenting is more like, or should be more like, the relationship between grandparents and grandkids—all pleasure and little required work. The secret to successful stepparenting is the Grandparent Model.

Are grandparents expected to clean the house when they arrive? Are they required to do the shopping, cooking, or laundry? Are they supposed to discipline the children? Parents know that they are the ones—not the grandparents—who are responsible for their own children.

If grandparents do help, it’s because they want to and are allowed to. But grandparents also know that at any time they can stop and hand over all responsibilities to the parents. No requirements! And the parents are grateful for whatever the grandparents may contribute to the family.

Look at the welcome grandparents receive when they arrive! And this warmth and love is communicated, which makes the grandparents want to come more often and do more for the family.

Yet the entire spirit of grandparenting can suddenly change if the parent obligates the grandparent to work and does not express appreciation for the grandparent’s help.

Here are a few rules about the amazing stepparent/stepchildren relationship:

Rule 1: A parent cannot require a stepparent to duplicate the parent’s biological love for the children. This requirement leads to certain failure. The love of a stepparent cannot be expected or forced and should never be measured against the love present in a biological relationship. The true expectation for parents and stepparents is not for stepparents to love their stepchildren but to encourage in every way the parents’ love for their own children.

Rule 2: The stepparent should begin slowly, with few expectations. It is better to start gradually, as if brand new to the family, and let relationships develop at their own pace.

Rule 3: Parents and stepparents will want to acknowledge their partner’s lack of a biological connection with their own children and accept it. The children can care for and respect the stepparent without having to recognize the stepparent as a parent.

Rule 4: Stepparents, on the other hand, should require the biological parent to continue parenting, with little obligation on their own part. Stepparents are then free to build whatever relationship they want and are able to with the children. The ultimate hope for the stepparent is to be recognized and accepted by the children as a co-parent.

Rule 5: Parents must allow stepparents to work out their own feelings toward the stepchildren. Some children are very easygoing and easy to love; others are quite difficult.

Rule 6: Regardless of how stepparents feel toward their stepchildren, they must exhibit kindness and caring toward all children and stepchildren.

Stepparents need to know that they are not under any obligation, and that if they do anything for their stepchildren, they will be thanked and praised for their efforts.

Resources: Taming the Forces of Opposition among Stepfamily Members: The White Blood Cell, and Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please visit our store.