Lack of agreement between a parent and stepparent on how to raise the children can easily bring down a good stepfamily.

If a stepparent is not satisfied with the parent’s parenting level and the parent refuses to budge, the stepparent has no recourse but to de-parent to the parent’s level. De-parenting means to back off and allow the children’s biological parent full control over them.

De-parenting is an extremely important issue in stepfamilies. Time and again we have seen stepparents ruin great marriages because they couldn’t learn to de-parent.

Jesus set the example of this type of flexibility. Jesus is Messiah and King; yet, when He came to this earth, He did not exercise the rights of Messiah or King. In fact, He did the exact opposite. Paul says Jesus made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. He would not even so much as figuratively break a bruised reed or quench a smoking flax. (Ph. 2: 7; Mt. 12:20).

Can stepparents follow this example? Can a stepparent surrender lawful parenting rights and take on the form of a bondservant, submitting to the parenting level of the spouse? Can a stepparent win over the stepchildren through self-sacrifice and kindness rather than through requirement and force?

The solution is to learn to de-parent when the occasion arises. Stepparents must be willing to alter their parenting style and accept some questionable (to their minds) behaviors from their stepchildren that are allowed by the parent. The stepparents will also want to avoid trying to make sudden changes in their stepchildren’s lives and to allow changes to evolve slowly through parental agreement and parental instigation.

The ideal is for stepparents to grow gradually into having more say and authority in the home. But the stepparent will always have to be sensitive to the need to de-parent when required by the emotional climate in the house.

Resources: Taming the Forces of Opposition Among Stepfamily Members: The White Blood Cell, and Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please visit our store.

The best way stepparents can fit into their new family is to consider themselves as guests. In every sense of the word the stepparent is entering into a fully functioning, fully mature family. The only difference is that the original parents aren’t living together anymore.

The role of the stepparent is at the discretion of the biological parent. One central task of stepparents is to discover how they can help promote children’s relationships with both parents.

If stepparents have a problem with their spouse’s children, they certainly have the right to bring the issue to the attention of the parent and let the parent make the necessary policy corrections. If the stepparent is willing to do so and has the support of both the parent and children, then the stepparent can initiate the change.

We hope that in every stepfamily the stepparent is allowed by the parent and children to be a fully functioning parental figure. Yet stepparents must realize that they are not the parent but are serving at the discretion of both the parent and the children. If ever there is a disagreement between a parent and stepparent concerning the children, it is the parent who has the final say.

Certainly the stepparent may offer suggestions and engage in dialogue about issues. But the stepparent does so with the knowledge that the parent has ultimate authority, ultimate decision-making power, and ultimate responsibility for implementing any changes regarding his/her own children.

Resources: Taming the Forces of Opposition among Stepfamily Members: The White Blood Cell, and Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to our store.