Six areas of need among parents and children in the separation and divorce culture
1. Ex spouse wars and conflicts. How to manage life and kids with an ex-spouse. Entering into divorce places you into an entirely new type of relationship previously unknown to you. And this relationship usually begins with loss, heartbreak, and grievance. If you remain in conflict this continued emotional stress will emotionally damage you and your children. Two things are required of you now in this divorced culture: 1) to learn why peace is so critically important to you and your children and 2) to learn how to manage this most complex relationship. Life with an ex requires special skills that have to be learned.
2. Kids. Building healthy kids. The question that must be asked and seriously answered is, Can children come out of the divorced culture whole and stable? The answer is yes, absolutely. The question then is why are most kids damaged? And, how can we build emotionally healthy kids? The solutions are out there. We have them. We have used these principles in our own families the past twenty five years. There exists some very powerful and key principles that if followed will bring your children much needed stability and wellbeing.
3. Adults. Building healthy adults. Frequently divorces occur because of some deficiencies in the adults themselves. Or, divorce itself causes some deficiencies within the adults. How can adults repair and move past some of these difficulties and personal conflicts, conflicts they may have had since their early childhood? And, can they restore and come out of a separation untainted? It is possible but requires some special discoveries and actions on their part.
4. Stepfamilies. The good news is stepfamilies can work! However, two mature families coming together under one roof, each with powerful connections among their own biological members, do not merge easily. Merging parents have to have some specialized understandings and tools before blending can actually succeed. Most adults attempt to bring into the stepfamily operations that make a first marriage work. But using what makes first marriages work will spell disaster to the blending family. This is why most stepfamilies fail to merge and eventually fail. We have discovered some critical principles, principles that are counter-intuitive to first marriages but work splendidly for stepfamilies that will bring the family into much needed togetherness and peace. It has worked for us and these principles have worked for hundreds of other families as well.
5. Stepparent/stepchildren relationships. Developing great working stepparent/stepchild relationships. It is possible! Stepparent/stepchildren relationships are so important that this is in a category all to itself. The issues between non-biological family members require understanding and knowledge that is largely unknown among people in marriages. And, unfortunately this is the reason most step-relationships don't work well and most fail. Few know how to manage these most critical relationships. Leadership in a home with non-biological children is something on the par of being an ambassador to a foreign country. Imagine the knowledge level and skill level required of an ambassador to another country? Imagine the success rate of ambassadors who know little about the country they are about to live in. Or, have an ambassador enter into the foreign country with imagined power, thinking the nation is theirs and should be run according to their standards and see how long he/she lasts. Stepparenting requires a whole new model of parenting for it to succeed.
6. Last category, parent dating. Oh my. Don’t get me started. The issues for parent dating are not just how long to wait before a parent dates or partner selection or partner compatibility, which indeed are huge issues of concern. But the length of time before a parent dates and partner selection and compatibility really should be the last issues of concern. There are, believe it or not, far greater issues with dating. Character preparation and proofs of responsibility prior to dating are the true keys to any successful future dating. Is the parent leading a responsible and stable life? Are the relationships between the parent and his/her children good, stable, and filled with wellbeing? Are the children doing well in school, do they have good friends, and are the children around the home courteous, clean, and self-controlled? Are the children peaceful and doing well with their other parent? Is the parent reacting responsibly and calmly toward the ex? What is the emotional state of the relationship with the parent and the ex? The key to successful dating is for every parent, prior to dating, to first set up a responsible family environment. If the environment is good that parent is then prepared to move into dating. What's my point? Responsible parents date responsibly. Once the family environment is established and good the issues of time as to when to date, partner selection and compatibility seem to solve themselves. Dating will usually result in good partner selection and responsible dating. Responsible parents will usually date "themselves," find people like them, individuals who also prize, and live, responsible and stable lives. Instead of concentrating on partner selection and partner compatibility those who successfully date and remarry will have focused instead on personal responsibilities and personal character.
